The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
