we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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