I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
