Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So apparently I’m into choking now
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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