I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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