can we get nightvision for the apartment?
do herpes really smell.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
