For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
