"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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