Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
