my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we have pet lesbian snakes
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
