All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
