Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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