checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
