I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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