Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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