I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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