Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
