yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
