I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Let's paint friendship bongs
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
