My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
