have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
