She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
