Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
