she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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