mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
