I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
i think i just lost a toe
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
please don't ironically join a cult
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