I hate all girls vehemently.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Randomize
