I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Holy shit dude........stairs
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize