You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Oh god it's open bar.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
