nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
