In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
