got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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