But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
