im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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