Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
