The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
