My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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