You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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