You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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