my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
