I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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