apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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