Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize