Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When did angry sex become our thing?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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