fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
