My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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