Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
