my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
