allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
is it fun? or sober?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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