please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize