Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We had sex on a dog bed..
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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