I never want to see another naked old woman again.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
