So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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