"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
