ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
